I wish I could dream, but forgot to somehow.

My roommate and I get along really well, which I am glad. Her name is Madi, she's a sweet little red-head. She is very nice, and a very good girl. It is encouraging.

Classes are going fine right now, I guess. I've been able to actually keep up with studying.

Met a guy. His name is Devin, he is a senior. I don't know what's going on between us, be it desperation or lust or what, but it really needs to stop. I don't know when he'll realize I am avoiding going to his house, but I think it's for the best. I don't know what's going on. I don't know how to react or what to say. Ugh. I would like to have someone to talk to about this, but Tessa doesn't understand and I can't really think of anyone else around here to talk to.

I have made friends, and they're all pretty cool I guess. I don't know. Something is missing.

Lamp is coming back out here Wednesday night to visit, I am pretty excited. We have fun, it's all good. He might bring Jesse with him, and I adore her.

Yeah. Life seems boring, after what I'm used to. But almost two months clean, and I'm really happy about it. Actually, that's a lie, but it at least makes me feel a little accomplished.

I miss the old days.

Everyone has to let go sometime.

I got my shit back from Gina, finally, and told her to not bother talking to me again and to have fun using people and getting STD's. She never even attempted to apologize to me, when I even apologized to her. She then acted all forgiving and shit, and like everything was my fault or something, when I have done everything for her, I would have given her the world, and I can only remember maybe two times when she's actually done something for me, and she plays it off like I am a terrible friend. Whatever, that's done with now.

I have been consistently drunk sense thursday. Took a break on monday though. But still, consistently drunk. My friend Lamp says I need to get Adam out of my system. I'm going to miss Lamp, he turned out to be a really great friend, and a true gentleman. It's sweet, really. He is one of the few purely good guys I have met (granted he is supplying alcohol to a minor, but whatever).

I'm kind of ready to move out to Denton. I'm going to be doing school year round, too, so after this first year  I'm probably getting an apartment somewhere out there. I hope things work out though. I am a little scared of going out there mostly friendless. I've got Tessa and Ian, and recently met a kid named Brad, but who knows how long these friendships will last? If I've learned anything, it's that everyone leaves at some point, whether by my fault or they just get bored.

Adrian and I have decided we're going to be hermits on the same mountain later in life. Different sides of the mountain, of course, but we can visit each other every once in awhile at least. I desserve to be a hermit, and I actually don't think I would mind.

Granted, I hate feeling alone. I'll get over it though. Always do.

College is going to suck.

My plans for the week.

Tuesday- Work, workout, hangout with Catt and meet up with Ian and the fools at IHOP.

Wednesday- Taking Lamp to his favorite thai place for his birthday lunch, dinner with grandpa and Jeannine, then hanging with Adam because it will be our last date together.

Thursday- Curling up in a ball in a corner of Adam's room and crying while he packs.

Friday- Being a zombie and hanging around with Jeannine and Angela because Jeannine gets her wisdom teeth out on Thursday.

Saturday- Work in the morning, then party at night.

Sunday- More waterworks, then over to Jesse's with Ben and Hailey and Will for snowcones and good times.

I lost my favorite antique ankle bracelet today. And spent four hours at the DMV to finally get my license renewed. It would seem I am incapable of not taking a mugshot for official pictures (proof: License and passport). I'm spending a month in Whales next summer. Pretty fucking stoked, no lie. 

This week sucks.

It's not you, it's me.

I drive people away. Apparently, that's just who I am. I'm going to be a hermit after college, I think. I deserve to be lonely. 

What I want to say but never will, so I'm posting it on the internet.

Dear ___,
I wish things didn't have to end, but I'm also glad they have. I wish you would realize just how conceited you are, and just how much you use people and drop them when they are no longer convenient (or stop giving you free shit). When I confronted you, you played the sympathy card, and only because you know what I am saying is so very true. I hope you grow up, you slimy whore. 

Dear ___,
I regret you. I was angry, and you can't really blame me for being angry at that time, but I had no right to take it out on you when the only evidence was by word of mouth (which you should never rely on). I want to fix things, and at least get to where we can talk again.

Dear ___,
You are fake. You are going nowhere, and are not trying at all. You're content to just loiter and never finish school and aren't even looking for a job. Please, I want you to get a clue. You know you are going nowhere, so you blame everything around you. The blame is on you; Your life is your fault. I love you, so I want you to listen to this: Get off your ass and go outside. You'll be surprised.

Dear ___,
I wish we still talked and stuff. It seems like when you got a girlfriend, my friendship no longer mattered. Which is fine and all, I understand that, but I also remember you saying we would always be friends, no matter what. Now we are nothing to each other. What happened to us?

Dear ___,
Thank you, for everything. You have helped me so much. I am sober, I am free, and I am friendless (but right now, that's okay, because my "friends" ended up sucking anyway). You always have a place in my heart.

Dear ___,
I wish you could see how wonderful you are, deep down. I want you to get better. Maybe then things will straighten out between us. 

Dear everyone,
I love and hate you. The love will show if you allow it, but that line is so fine that sometimes it's hard. Give me a chance. I can prove myself to you.

Sigh.

I've been putting a lot of effort into being a better person and friend, and fixing relationships and whatever. But apparently that's not good enough, and now I am left in the dust. The few people that have stuck around are the ones I thought least likely to, and the ones I thought would last are the ones that deem me unworthy. I thought, "At least I still have Adam", but even he leaves next Friday, and there's no going back. I don't know what to do with myself.

I also would like to knock out a select few peoples' teeth. I will refrain, though.